Not A Good Man
by davidtennxnt
Summary: "The Doctor has crossed the line for the last time and Clara is forced to tear herself away from that part of her life - for good. But what is revealed when she returns is much worse than she could have ever imagined and she is left questioning if anywhere is safe."
1. Chapter 1

****This follows the events of an alternative ending to Kill the Moon, based on what I believed could have been the event that "changed the course of the show." as it was written before KTM aired.****

[_A.N: Sooo, this started off as a headcanon thing of mine that sort of evolved into this massive plot that myself, L and J decided to expand upon and write as a joint fic. We've all just chipped in our ideas and this is rhe result. It's going to deal with some dark themes in later chapters, so read cautiously. (Ratings and warnings will be provided at the beginning of each chapter.) But yeah, we hope you enjoy reading as much as we enjoy writing! Reviews are incredibly appreciated, they help encourage us to continue writing and improve what we produce! c:_]

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><p>"Take me home."<p>

The demand was heard, but was not listened to. Or at least, he didn't want to listen to it so he chose not to.

"The Arrkeiv Nebubla! Every two thousand years, it's hydrogen levels fluctuate and - "

"_Now_."

The Doctor was cut off by her this time - which was highly unusual in itself. The certainty in her voice mixed through the cloud of disappointment caused his hearts to stop. After a sharp intake of breath, he turned towards her, hands in his pockets and head slightly bowed; he could not look her in her eyes. He could not stand to witness the pain that he had caused.

"Why?" he asked.

He knew why. He knew this was his fault. He knew he had gone too far, crossed the line and this was the repercussion.

"_Why_...?" She looked at him with sheer resentment as she stood, eyes locked on his face which was blank as if he genuinely was oblivious to the events of the past few hours. Oh, how she wanted to slap him. Her hands balled into fists as the pressure of the building anger coursed through her body. She was either going to scream or cry, or both. "You damn well know why, Doctor! In fact, I don't even think you deserve that name any more..." It came out as a small and fractured whisper but she knew he had heard it as his hands that were once frantically entering coordinates froze and she could almost hear him swallowing the sudden lump in his throat.

"Clara, I-" Her skin began to crawl as his voice entered her mind and polluted her thoughts further. She had loved how he said her name before. As affectionately as a lover at times and as desperately as a dying man at others. But that was before. Before he had gone and changed his face and his accent. Before he had decided to become this dark and twisted creature that stood before her. Now, when he said her name - rough and broken in the middle by his accent - it was as if all affection and desperation didn't exist anymore, she was simply just Clara. His companion. No longer Clara, the impossible girl. And it made her feel even more spiteful.

"No." A bitter laugh escaped her lungs, "No, don't. Don't try to make excuses now. _Don't you dare._" He met her eyes now. Glossed over with unshed tears, her irises were like knives, sharp with hatred and digging straight into him.

"But I had no-"

"You left her! _You_ left her behind, trapped in a room full of those ruthless monsters - no. I've seen monsters before, this was something else entirely, and you watched her die! You stood there as she was ripped apart! You _knew_ you could have got her out of there, if you weren't such a self-absorbed twat!" She was screaming at him now. Her venomous words bouncing around the vast console room and reverberating straight through him, making sure every syllable stung more than the last just so he could get a glimpse at just how badly he had messed up. "Courtney was just a _kid_, Doctor! A kid who shouldn't have even been there if it wasn't for your ridiculous, compulsive need to show off!"

"Clara, there was nothing I could have done!" he raised his voice to match hers, bellowing at her now. "The section was secure! If I had stopped to open it, we _all_ would have been in jeopardy! It wasn't my fault, she was too slow, and now she's gone. _People die, Clara. _I thought you would have understood that by now, _so let's move on_, alright?" The Doctor punctuated this sentence with the flick of a switch. The TARDIS' usual low hum grew louder until it groaned to life meanwhile, Clara stood in silence. She couldn't believe that he expected her to simply get over it. She wanted to yell at him, scream and curse until her lungs burst but now, she couldn't utter a word. She watched as he stalked around the console, once again averting her gaze. He was always distant now; unlike before when any opportunity was one to be at her side. "Not the hugging type" was his excuse, but it wasn't just hugging. He no longer grabbed her hand when danger was near just to make sure she was by his side. He always stood just out of reach, ripping away the reassurance that came hand in hand with his presence. He wasn't her anchor anymore; he was the iceberg.

The TARDIS came to a sudden halt, snapping Clara out of her thoughts.

"There. Your flat. Happy now?"

Although he spoke coolly, his words were heavy. He was trying to shrug this off. He only had to wait until she saw sense and snapped out of it like he knew she would. She could never stay mad at him for long - or at least, before he changed.

"Good." she retorted, grabbing her bag and striding towards the doors. He was her hobby, her escape and she didn't stay in the TARDIS for long enough to keep anything with her other than for one or two necessities and change of clothes, so why was she taking them? The Doctor's hearts sank at the realisation. She was leaving. For good.

"C'mon, Clara. I really don't see what the problem is here! Why are you acting so irrationally?" She stopped in her tracks, snapping round to give him her most steely-eyed glare. A glare that had silenced Courtney not two weeks ago after she'd mouthed off in class. It was nothing major, Clara could see that clearly, but she'd cared for the girl and had wanted her to succeed. She was still trying to comprehend it all. There wasn't even a body to mourn, and here he was, the Doctor, rising above it all.

"See! What's with the eyes?" He could see her jaw trembling as she clamped it tight, he knew he was pushing her more and more with every word but he couldn't let her go. Not like this, not over some silly little ape who got herself killed. "Look, she was a disruptive influence was she not? I mean, you said so yourself and all you ever did was go on and on about how she was making your days so much more stressful! So really, I did you a favour here."

That did it. Before he had time to defend himself, her hand met his face with a booming smack.

"Don't you even dare, _dare_, to tell me that this was a _favour_. How could you even think something like that. Are you complete devoid of all rational emotion? Did you lose all of your compassion after you regenerated? Courtney is dead. You let her die! You didn't even give her the chance to live. She was only f_ourteen years old_. Do you remember the wonder in your mind at the age of fourteen, or have the years finally caught up with you? You know what? You, Doctor, are_ no better than a Dalek_ nowadays. No emotion, no remorse, no real love. And I've had enough of providing you with the correct emotional response to the situation. I'm stepping out these doors and I have absolutely no intention of returning. I'm finished."

With a swift spin, Clara clicked her fingers and the TARDIS doors opened for her. Without a single glance back, she walked purposefully out of the place that was once her haven and back to reality - for good. The Doctor was left standing alone, gob-smacked at his companion's response to the service he had provided her with. She had a problem, and it was resolved. What was so wrong with that? He rubbed his cheek as he clicked his fingers and the doors slammed shut on Clara Oswald.

As Clara stepped outside the blue box, she was confronted by her boyfriend's daunting figure, looming above her from the corner of the room.

"What was all that about?" Danny demanded. His voice was the same that he often used when disciplining one of his pupils. This voice had become more commonplace within their relationship recently. Clara just wanted to cry, to let out everything to him. The blue box began to dematerialise with a more strained noise than she usually produced. _She almost sounded upset. _The wails of the old girl faded away along Clara's ability to conceal the situation anymore.

"He went too far, didn't he?" If she wasn't so busy trying to piece together the crumbling shards of the situation, she would have sworn there was a hint of pride in Danny's voice; as if he was finding some form of pleasure despite what was going on simply over the fact that he was right.

"I've left him," she said plainly. "I had no choice, and he did. I trusted him, and he threw it all back in my face." It was now she finally let go and allowed her walls to crumble. Her knees collapsed beneath her as she began to cry, Danny instantly by her side, cradling her in his arms whilst she broke down.

"It's alright, Clara. You're safe now, yeah?"


	2. Chapter 2

_[A.N: HOW GOOD WAS KILL THE MOON THOUGH? Ugh, it was so emotional and amazing. We're just gonna include the decision that Clara was faced with in KTM alongside Courtney's death cause it's pretty major in her character development and unavoidable. _

_We really appreciate the feedback you guys gave for the first chapter and we're still really enjoying writing this. Stuff's gonna get pretty serious and dark pretty quick, so ratings are gonna get increased to M after chapter 3. (Just a warning before sensitive stuff comes out.) Again, enjoy reading and your feedback is hella encouraging and appreciated.]_

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><p>After the initial wave of hysteria had passed, Clara explained the entire situation to Danny.<p>

"We had a dreadful decision to make, and he completely abandoned me. The one time all the time travelling and knowledge could have really helped to make a difference, he just upped and left. I had nothing but my morals to go from and even then I almost made the wrong decision. I almost let a helpless, innocent life be lost because I was afraid. But of course, that's exactly when he decided to show up acting all high and mighty. It was as if we were an experiment for his entertainment, 'Let's see if the apes destroy their future or not!' and to make things even more humiliating, _he knew all along_ what the right choice was!"

Danny looked mildly perplexed, with a slight air of smugness about him. Clara pushed on.

"We were stuck between a room of these monsters - huge, deadly bacteria - and Courtney wasn't fast enough to get into the next room. He could have saved her, I could have saved her, but the Doctor was too damn stubborn to even give her a chance to live. Everything's just black and white with him. There's no grey areas. It's either right or wrong, good or bad and even then, once the choice is made, that's it! He just expects everyone to move on and be as morally inept as he is! I just couldn't put up with it anymore. I'm fed up being the emotional output for him to abuse. I don't want to be the one to put everything right when he makes a mess-"

"I told you he would cross the line."

"Danny, _don't_." That wasn't what she wanted to hear right now. She wanted him to listen to her and only speak when she was finished.

"No, Clara. I'm being honest here. I knew men like him. It was the same when I served. They kept pushing and pushing me until it wasn't what I loved anymore. They changed me to fit their procedures and I don't want that happening to you. I don't want you to get hurt. No, I _didn't _want you to get hurt, yet here you are." Everything Danny had said made perfect sense to Clara but she still couldn't help but disagree with him and feel like there was a subtle patronising tone to his words.

Glaring at him, she sat up to meet his eyes before she spoke, monotone and sombre.

"I'm not really up for the whole 'I was right' speech. I get it enough from him as it is."

He paused, sighing before continuing on, "I'm not trying to patronise you, I'm just being truthful Clara. He's pushing you to your limits and beyond. He put you in a position that you never should have been in and you know that! He got a young girl killed, for God's sake!"

"Don't talk down to me as if I'm one of your students! I knew what I was doing it and it's not the first time I've had to fend for myself, it was just… him. I knew he had changed but just not that much in that way. He's too unpredictable now and when I look in his eyes now I see _nothing_… Nothing that I _used to see_," she cleared her throat, piecing her voice back together before continuing, "_And it scares me_. I don't see the wonders of exploring the universe anymore, I see death as a daily occurrence. He sees it as an occupational hazard."

Clara had to admit that she didn't feel safe around the Doctor anymore. Of course, she was aware that she was never safe in the first place - but she always had that knowledge that she could rely on him. He _always _had her back and his reliability was never in doubt. No stunts, no gimmicks to put her at the heart of whatever "plan" it was he had with absolutely no regards for her feelings; but now it was a completely different matter. It was only until they were faced with a particularly dangerous situation that Clara realised just how much her trust in him was depleting. She was always left questioning if he'd be coming back or if she would be stranded to live out the rest of her days or, worse than that, lose all her remaining days at once.

They were interrupted by the buzzing of Danny's phone, the piercing shrill of his ringtone only served to anger Clara further. He answered it and gave his full attention to the caller on the other end of the line. It was clearly urgent, otherwise he wouldn't have taken it now.

"I'm really sorry. I have to go. It's my doctor," he explained as he hung up while looking at his phone. He failed to notice the faint flash of hurt that graced her features for a moment upon hearing the word. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her mouth as his hand cupped her cheek. "I'll see you soon," he said as his thumb stroked over her cheekbone and he looked into her unfocused eyes.

Curled on her sofa, everything went numb. It was now Clara realised how truly alone she was. All she had was the Doctor and Danny. No real friends and she grew distant from most of her family after Christmas. Not her father, though. But how exactly would she tell him the whole story? She needed someone beside her now. Someone who understood and who she could truly vent to. She found herself wishing the Doctor was at her side. The old Doctor. _Her_ Doctor. She yearned to look into those kind, old-but-young eyes and hug him and _feel him hug her back _instead of trying to get away telling her he "wasn't a hugging person". She _craved_ the hand that reached out and grasped hers before they rushed head-first into something dangerous. She needed someone to cling to for support, someone who would cradle her face in his hands and kiss her forehead as he whispered her name like a prayer. But instead, she was left in her empty apartment, constricted by her overwhelming anguish and suffocated by the feeling of bitter, ugly loneliness that washed over her.

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><p>The Doctor rose from his leather armchair, propping the book he was previously studying back on one of the numerous shelves that lined the edge of the console room. He stood for a moment, surveying the vast and desolate space. It was so empty now and he could feel it as he stalked down to the console, absent-mindedly viewing the display on the screen. The TARDIS was quiet. <em>Too quiet<em>. He could hear every movement of air, the soft groans as the ship lay suspended in the Vortex. He'd been there for a while. Or at least, it felt like a long time. He wasn't in the mood to help anyone recently; the appetite for adventure was gone for now. He was too busy trying to figure out what it was he had done to upset Clara so greatly. Sure, he could understand her grievance over Courtney but it wasn't his fault the kid got herself killed. She didn't move fast enough and that wasn't his problem. He wasn't going to jeopardise all of their lives by opening the bacteria ridden section back up again just to save one life that was already gone. He took the moral decision to sacrifice one life to save more. Simple.

Then he gave Clara the opportunity to make the decision that changed the course of humanity. He knew she would make the right choice, of course - he wouldn't have gave her the power if he doubted her potential. Clara, the self-titled control freak, worked great on adrenaline after all and he'd decided that was her biggest asset; so he gave her control, showed her his respect for her and she crumbled. He trusted her and that was him showing her, so why couldn't she see that? Humans baffled him sometimes.

He pondered over the question of if he should apologise. It wasn't his problem she overreacted after all. He did what he thought was right and he was going to stick to it. However, the more important question was: _could he even apologise_? Emotions were difficult in this body. He felt them, granted, but they were just difficult to express. They got trapped somewhere between his mind and his mouth, lost in translation. It was easier to show them through acts, as he demonstrated on the Moon but yet they were still misunderstood.. He just couldn't win.

The empty TARDIS accentuated the fact that he missed Clara's presence. It took circumstances like these for him to discern the extent of the impact that she had on him. He couldn't help but confess that he needed her by his side, to set him right when he got lost in the moment and pressed boundaries, but for now he had to give her space - as if he wasn't creating enough between them as it is.

The long and lonely years on Trenzalore made the Doctor realise just how much decay he initiates. He spent countless nights counting all the lives he had destroyed just by entering them and he was not prepared to let that happen to Clara. _His Clara_, his Impossible Girl. The only solution was to back away and to tear himself away from the attachment that had already formed. After regenerating, he'd admitted that it was his mistake that she'd painted him in that light and he consciously vowed to back away, to _protect her_, but he found that these new hands still longed for her touch. Those gentle reassurances that she was definitely real and beside him; but he simply could not let them become stained with her blood. There was already enough on them as it was, so he kept them to himself and suppressed the senses' need. He made clear from the beginning that he "wasn't the hugging type" to prevent any temptations from arising and when she did lay a hand upon his shoulder, or wrap her arms around his frame, he instantly became rigid and cold as if to freeze over the warmth of her affections.

Perhaps this was the time to let her go. He could feel the end getting closer with every Wednesday that passed and although temptation always brought him back to her apartment, the fear that the next trip could be her last constantly rang like an alarm in the back of his mind. He naturally assumed that she would calm down and return after a short while but her last words were particularly conclusive and perhaps this was the escape that he needed her to use, so, with a few maneuvers around the console, he piloted the TARDIS to it's next destination. It was time for him to go on alone.

He always ended up alone.


End file.
